I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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