If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Everything about him screamed your future.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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