apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
