My liver just broke up with me...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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