if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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