Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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