Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
