I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My dick has a subreddit
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
