i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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