fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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