I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
