mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
