I'm going to jail i love you
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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