When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
are you so shy because you have an std?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
