Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
