A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
