I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
