He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
