saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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