some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
