Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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