I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
