I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
