im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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