I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
