a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
