hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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