Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
May the power of my ass compel you!!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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