It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
