thus making me awesome and them whores
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
