I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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