I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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