We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
