I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
