Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
