my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
