Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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