just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
