she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
