well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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