Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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