no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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