the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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