Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
