Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
