GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
love makes seman taste better
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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