haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
