Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i think my mom watched the whole time
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
