Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
