i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
